Summer Vacation 

So I haven’t been feeling so great lately. 

Depression sucks and often makes you do the dumbest smart things ever.

I was supposed to go on vacation this week. I didn’t. I chose to instead stay home alone. Because I didnt think all the stress involved with being around a lot of people would be good for me. Probably a good call. Except now I’m home alone. For over a week. 3 days in and I’ve cried every day. Ugly cries. Not those pretty little tears down your cheeks type. Choking sobs of regret because What Have I Done. Practically everyone I know and can call in an emergency is 4 states away. I did this to myself.

 I have to also admit that I’m bitter at my husband right now. He doesn’t fully understand how bad it is. And I actually tried to tell him this time. He doesn’t get it. This ugly place isn’t because they left or that I’m lonely. Those things don’t help but… I was already like this. For about a month now. I’m really bad at getting help. Really really bad. As in I’ve never talked to anyone about it before. Except in passing or “oh ya I’ve had depression” kind of way. 

Truth is it’s kind of hard to talk about when your swimming in it. Like… how does anyone  (everyone!) not see this deep dark ocean you’re in? It’s easier when the ocean is a thing from the past. I just want my husband to come home and hold me. To listen. To ask. Maybe it’s the depression or maybe it isn’t but right now.. and for a while… I just don’t feel loved. Or wanted. Needed sure. But not wanted. I’m just a nessesity or tool. 

I’m sure it’s not true, but right now I’m analyzing every interaction. What did he mean when he said “ya can’t blame you for not wanting to go” because right now I’m thinking it was just “thank god.” 

How could he go off and have fun and not think to call? Or even take pictures to send me?  But when he calls I’m so hostile and ugly so who could blame him? Why would anyone Want to call for that? 

I’m here all alone! I’m going crazy. Can’t stop crying and I hurt so much. I should have gone.  But it wouldn’t have mattered. I’d be the same there. Only everyone trying to have a good time would just feel awkward. I would ruin everyone’s good time. Because I ruin everything. 

I can’t get help. I don’t know how. What if I’m just a big baby and they roll their eyes and think “wow got a first world baby right here”??? 

What if nothing works? Ever. Because nothing is wrong except that I’m a spoiled brat. 

I used to cut. A long time ago. I haven’t started again but just thinking about it helps. Picturing it… feels good.  Calms me. I don’t know why… I must be crazy. 

Sorry.. I’m sure this post is stupid and makes no sense.